THE MISSISSIPPI TOURIST BOARD ADVISES AGAINST ALL TRAVEL TO SWAMPLANDS
Hordes of deadly creatures have been seen acting aggressively; All locals are advised to beware of alligators, electric eels and a giant angry turtle; Residents are advised to stay inside their homes until the lake has undergone invasive extermination by Dick Wilde
The Mississippi Tourist Board (MTB) have issued new warnings against all but essential travel to all swamp provinces, citing a high threat from critters and their specific methods of attack which are evolving and increasing in sophistication.
Authorities warned “there is a high threat of death by piranhas” throughout the swamp, which is a popular destination for hunting. Local resident, Mrs Betty Jo Bobson said, “folk come here to go huntin’ not be hunted.”
The MTB have also said that because incidents “have been on the rise” with “increasing levels of guano in the face,” they have enlisted the help of Dick Wilde, exterminator extraordinaire. A local with a reputation for eradicating the deadliest of species. Dick Wilde said, “them pesky critters are at it again. Scarin’ off all the good ol’ folk. ‘Gators, piranhas, electric eels- they’re all flyin’ off the handle, n’ there’s a particular giant turtle that’s been giving me the stink eye. Imma break out ma grenade launcher n’ unleash a can of whoop ass.”
Due to the scale of the epidemic and the high level of attacks, Dick Wilde is seeking volunteers who have experience with the latest in VR technology, the Oculus Rift, VIVE and Playstation VR, to assist him in bringing order to the swamp. The MTB warns that it is highly likely that nearby habitats, the Northern region and lagoon areas, will also follow suit with reports of hammerhead sharks being sighted more regularly.
An emergency volunteer station has been set up at PAX East booth 22121 where volunteers are invited to team up and be trained up. Wilde said, “y’all gotta work together to survive. Imma put these young uns through their paces n’ train em’ up for the main swamp clearing expedition (launch) on March 30, 2017.”
All volunteers who wish to join Dick Wilde, the purveyor of destruction, and clear the swamp of deadly creatures are required to take out a swamp permit. Permits will be available from the Steam and Oculus Stores from March 30th for $19.99/£17.99 and a 15% discount will be applied for one week only. For this fee Dick Wilde will help you train to a level 9 exterminator to equip volunteers with extensive knowledge in the art of grenade-launchers and nail-guns.