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Kitty Power: Matchmaking Review – I wish I could remove it from my system

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Kitty Powers is…I want to say this is a game, I want to say it is enjoyable and I really REALLY want to say it’s a game that is enjoyable to play.

I want too, I can’t but good lord does I wish I had enjoyed my time.

My first introduction to this was the description, on my phone, this is an iPhone port from 2014 being rereleased on the PS4, I want to say I am surprised but god I am not. Second is the fact that this is an “Inclusive game”, I’m not really sure what it means by this, I mean obviously, it means that supports all kinds of relationships, but how is that inclusive? Just because someone is gay they have CLEARLY been waiting to play a game where a drag queen lets you date two people of the same sex together, good lord Bioware did this better in Mass effect 3 and I never thought I would say that ever. What’s worse is after watching the trailer I started to think that the game ONLY allowed gay relations, as the game desperately tried so hard to please their target audience, it seems they failed to actually make a good game in the process, not the first time this has happened in this target audience and I doubt it will be the last.

So have a drag queen, pandering to a set of players that probably wish they didn’t exist anymore, and an iPhone game on a PS4. I really wish this was the end but god damn if Kitty powers is not the game that keeps on giving.

I haven’t even touched on the CONSTANT innuendos, being reminded I can “Play with myself” on the slot machines, ha ha I get it, masturbation is funny! Forgive me if I stopped laughing at a wank joke back in high school but I really fail to see the humour in this game. It never stops either, almost every conversation has some discussion about a tool, rod or masturbation, We get it kitty, you are desperate for some cock, but please be a little more civilised about it.

Graphically the game looks like a browser game from 2004, each part of the characters bodies are clearly joined at one point, and all are very low quality, with its mix and match character creation you can’t really expect much I suppose. This is a game that looks like a flash game you would have ignored on Miniclip or Newgrounds because of the description. The animation is bad, I really had a tough time finding anything really enjoyable about the graphics. I swear the game also has like 4 different noses, I know it’s a silly complaint, but once you notice it you can’t stop seeing it that every character has basically the same nose.

The gameplay, which believe me does exist is as shallow as Kitty’s dialogue and repetitive as the characters faces. Chatting up your date? Memory game, want to advance further into a relationship? Memory game, and…I wish I wasn’t about to say this, going to fart during your date? Card game.

At this point I really wanted to be done, we have fart jokes, masturbation jokes, I’m having flashbacks to Year 11 PE class right now, and it is making me feel very old and very disappointed that someone thought this was a good console game.

Its mobile phone roots show when we get into the audio of the game, only having one and only one character being voiced is your one and only Kitty Powers, and whilst the design of the character clearly tries to mimic Lily Savage, the wit and the sense of humour got lost in the changing room and was dragged around it a few times. Honestly, I muted my TV I got sick of listening to the voice making the same joke for the 10th time during a date, and between that and the awful writing for the characters, I started to dread what would come next.

What came next? A mini-game where I had to spray deodorant on a person… I needed a break after that one.

Kitty Powers is a game that desperately tries to be funny and instead comes of so cringe-inducing that I would argue this game will only serve as a joke gift for friends, or if you are desperate to be included in some gay dating action. This is a game that…I really wish wasn’t a game, and stayed on the mobile platform. Please save yourself the pain and ignore this game, and If you really have to give money to this game give it to a friend who will really hate you for it, 1/10…I wish I could remove it from my system.

Rating:
1/10
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A teacher of computer Science, Daniel enjoys spending time gaming to relax when not in the classroom. Gaming over many generations, and enjoys classic style games more than recent AAA titles.

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