In the generation of reboots, remasters and rip offs, itβs no surprise really that nothing is original these days. All first person shooters follow the same schematics, RPGs share similar themes and these next gen adventure titles are *yawn* nothing out of the ordinary. But thatβs nothing compared to the lack of ingenuity from the darling racing game. There are two camps (or garages I guess) that racing sims fall into, a serious, competitive racing game thatβs lack of innovation is made up in itβs stylish appearance and sexy realism, or the half arsed attempt at copying a succesful idea and creating your own piss poor version. Coffin Dodgers falls into the latter. Epically. Weβve all played a Go Karting game, and when you cast your mind back youβll realise that there has never really been a bad one, unoriginal yes, but never truly shitty β¦ until now that is.
Coffin Dodgers is easily the worst racing game Iβve ever played, and is available to download now on PS4, Xbox One and Steam. Developed by Liverpool based studio βMilky Teaβ, Coffin Dodgers follows a group of old dears literally racing for their lives as the loveable Grim Reaper will kill whoever comes last in an act to clean up the population, if only that happened in the real world ay. Each codger is equipped with a mobility scooter that can be upgraded and kitted out with your winnings, however in all honesty it doesnβt provide a huge amount of difference and itβs difficult to rack up a substantial amount of money, so ultimately itβs pretty pointless. Like all karting games before it, each course is fitted with a number of weapons and stuff that will help you in each race, each of which are very unoriginal and lacking in creativity. The weapons are something that could have been really fun and daft at the very least, instead theyβre boring and unimaginative. Each course is made up of a different area of the town and each track has been hideously created with incredibly poor visuals and animation, so much so that it makes you wonder why this has been allowed to be released on consoles and why theyβre asking for you to purchase it. Right Iβve been very harsh on the gameβs visuals and concept, and if youβve read my reviews before you know Iβm not a graphics man if the gameplay makes up for it, so lets see how it plays.
Fucking terribly.
Now Iβm not one for swearing, in fact Iβve never violently sworn in any pieces of work, but by god this game does a good job at making racing the most aggravating, awful way to pass your time. Each time your scooter takes a right angle (you canβt call them corners), your scooter almost comes to a halt before slowly accelerating again. Imaging youβre playing the original Tomb Raider on your beloved PSOne, do you remember how she stopped moving each time you changed direction? Thatβs what itβs like playing Coffin Dodgers, it has the most diabolical handling Iβve ever come across! If that isnβt punishing enough, the game seems to deliberately make it difficult for you, as if it wasnβt insulting you already. It doesnβt matter how good you are, how many times you win consecutively, youβll always start at the back, behind a roster of brutal AIs that will do everything they can to knock you out, constantly giving you a massive disadvantage at the start of every race. Thatβs not all, you take ages to respawn after being blown up and every time you hit something your scooter bounces backwards about 10 feet, it honestly feels like this game is taking the piss. If youβve managed to overcome the sadistically boring βstory modeβ, then youβll be thrilled to hear that Coffin Dodgers offers more of the same in itβs other βfunβ features. As well as racing single tracks solo or conning a friend to play it with you, the game also features an βopen worldβ mode in the form of racing around the entire town tediously collecting scattered items to keep the clock ticking. Whereas itβs interesting to see how each map links up to one another, this mode is easily the most lifeless part of the game with no atmosphere, excitement or point to it; it truly is the final nail in the coffin.
In short, Coffin Dodgers is hideous and should be avoided like the Grim Reaper himself. Every aspect of what makes a playable racing game (never mind a good one) has been produced so poorly that there is no reason on earth why you should play it; this isnβt an offensive opinion, itβs an honest review. Itβs difficult to think of another game that fails on every basic element in such a shocking way like this has, truthfully the only positive criticism that can come from this is that the game does pose a cost effective way of dealing with the elderly.
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