I’m at my desk going through some files, annoying phone started ringing. Answered it, trying to sell me some crap. Look at computer screen, there’s a picture of a hand. Fingers Q,W,E,R, thumb SPACEBAR. What does that mean? Never mind. Irrelevant. Go back to desk. Look through papers on clip board. Tap paper. Everything goes blurry. Drunk? Nah, no liquid breakfast for me this morning. Drugs? They’re all over the desk. It must be drugs. Everything goes blurry then black. This isn’t the worst of it.
I wake to hell. An alternative universe where I’m just an arm that has to perform life threatening surgery. I can’t even bend the damn thing. It turns, fingers move, thumb moves, even the wrist moves. No elbows though, no bending. There’s this guy in front of me, goes by the name of Bob, his heart is on the fritz. Needs his old ticker pulled out and a new one put in. No one else here but me. I can’t let this guy die here. There’s tonnes of tools – scalpels, a saw, a drill, scissors, hammer, a…spinny mini saw blade. And a pen. And a heart. A heart! If I can just put this in. Gotta get through the rib cage I guess. Move some of the other organs after, but first the rib cage. The hammer, the hammer! If I just smash open the rib cage with this bad boy then it will be almost done. Just got to pick the damn thing up. Got it. Now I just gotta turn my wrist and smash it. Smash, smash, sma- shit. The hammer is stuck in between two ribs. Bleeding out a little bit, 2ml of blood p/s. Okay, don’t panic. The spinny blade. That should cut through the ribs. I pick it up, hold it over Bob’s rib cage and lower my hand. Shit there goes my watch. His heart gets a friend, never mind. One rib down, two ribs down, three…NO. SPINNY BLADE. COME BACK. DON’T FALL IN THERE BOB WILL DIE. 25 ML/PS. WHAT. BOB, NO, BOB. WHAT THE HELL FINGERS WILL YOU PICK THAT SHIT UP. Everything is grey. Everything stops, is it finally over?
I am here again. Bob is here, everything is here. Is this a dream, or just a coincidence? It doesn’t matter, I am here now and I must save Bob. This guy needs a new heart and I will give it to him. Here we go this time. Spinny blade first…come on thumb, fingers, we got this. Don’t mess up this time. One rib broken aaaaaaaaaand drop. What are you doing fingers you make me sick. I manage to slap the spinny blade out. My watch is in there again. I move onto the power drill. If I can get this in the middle of the ribs it should weaken them. Then I just need to remove other vital organs and replace the bad heart with the good heart. Easy. Maybe. Don’t let me down drill, steady, right in the middle. Just need to be gentle, fingers don’t fail me- I DROPPED IT. IT’S SPINNING AROUND INSIDE BOB. I HAVE SO MUCH BLOOD ON MY HANDS. Grey.
Surgery never changes.
I’m here again. In front of Bob. Lucky Bob. He just has to lie there with a crap heart, gaping hole in his chest. I’m here every day. Infinite looping in a cruel world where a man’s life lies in my clumsy elbow-less arm. Will I forever be subjected to this world? A world in which there is only myself, Bob, and whichever prick keeps playing the Casualty theme in the background. Maybe there’s a way out. The saw. If I could only pick it up. My fingers are sticks of butter, my wrist as strong as a babies neck. Let’s try it. Lowering, lowering. Gripping. Nope. It’s flicked around, let’s try again. Lowering, lowering. Q,W,E,R,T, SPACEBAR. GOT IT! Finally. Okay, slowly towards Bob. Shit, the saw is facing the wrong way. I’m sure it will work anything, I’d try anything right now. Back and forth, back and forth. Doesn’t work. I am losing hope. Let’s bring it back towards me and put it back on the table. Slowly does i- FOR FUCKS SAKE I JUST STABBED MYSELF. I THOUGHT I WAS JUST AN ARM. HOW DO I HAVE A BODY. EVERYTHING IS PURPLE AND GREEN. I’M LIVING A JIMMIE HENDRIX SONG. GOD DAMN IT JUST NEED TO STRAIGHTEN UP AND GET ON WITH THIS. SPINNY DRILL GO. HAMMER GO. TAKE IT BOB. GO SCISSORS, GO SAW. GO HEART. DO YOUR THING. Grey.
How on Earth do you review a game like Surgeon Simulator 2013? You know what it is, I know what it is. It’s not a serious game; all those insane youtube videos prove that. But Surgeon Simulator 2013 is proof that a game doesn’t have to look amazing, have an amazing plot, or even have good controls to be good fun. It’s not a ‘so bad it’s good’ game. It’s not even a ‘I can’t wait to play this when I’m drunk’ game. It’s simply a good fun game. The aim is simple: Remove the rib cage, remove the lungs, and remove some other organs. Take out that crap heart and put in this good one. Being a surgeon is simple, everyone knows that. It’s the easiest thing ever. When you’ve replaced Mr. Bob’s bad boy heart you can then have a stab (GET IT? IT’S A JOKE) at a kidney transplant, and if that’s not exciting enough for you then afterwards you can do some brain surgery. Not crazy enough for you? Try surgery in the back of a moving ambulance! The controls are easy enough. QWERT for your fingers, spacebar for your thumb. Left click to lower your arm, right click to move your wrist and mouse controls where you’re putting your crazy arm. Simple, yet so difficult and fun.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, Surgeon Simulator 2013 was originally created by Bossa Studios during the most recent Global Game Jam (Which I took part in by the way so here’s a little plug for GGJ – look online for anywhere local that participates, it was a great experience!) during which a group of people must make a game in under 48 hours. Surgeon Simulator turned out to be a rather popular outcome of Global Game Jam, so much so that on the 19th of April an updated version will be released on Steam via Steam Greenlight. New everything – organs, operations and most notably the models (check out the comparison on the game’s Steam page), everything has been updated for the Steam release. There’s not much else to say about it really. It’s fun. It’s stressful. It’s ridiculous. It’s £6.99/$9.99 which is worth it for the Casualty theme alone. Go get it.
Disclaimer:All scores given within our reviews are based on the artist’s personal opinion; this should in no way impede your decision to purchase the game.